明日の記憶

My eyes are swelling now.

Just watched Watanabe Ken-san`s `Ashita no Kioku`, about an average salaryman who got alzheimer.

I got it two days ago but I know I`ll cry a lot, so I kept on refraining from watching it.

泣きまくったな．．．

Komputer 001

I used to be so afraid of death. I can`t remember when I stopped being afraid. After reading `The Alchemist`, probably. Somewhere in my life I just realized that death is not an enemy. It`ll come whether I want it or not. There`s no point of being afraid of something that you know WILL come.

I found myself much more relax when I had fully accepted the fact. I will die someday. Everything is coming to an end. What will happen after that, no one really know for sure. That`s why, now is the most important moment. Everyday is a festival of living.

Haha, I can say that easily, but sometimes I still live in the future. Worrying so much about my future until I`m oblivious of what I have today. I should live life Nino-style : just do whatever it is in front of you with all your might. Difficult, but I`ll try.

`When I eat, I eat. When I walk, I walk. If I have to die today, then today is a good day to die just like the other days. Don`t live in the past nor the future. Live now.`

It`ll still devastate me when someone I love die. But not because the `die` part. More of, I wonder if I can give them more happiness if there`s more time. I wonder if I`ve done enough. I wonder if they`re happy enough. Had I said `I love you` properly? Had I said `I`m sorry` properly? Had I said everything I have to say and had they said everything they want to say to me? Those kind of regrets that make me cry.

I want to be someone who lives life with the consciousness that it`ll probably be my last day.

めっちゃ難しいけどな～